I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
