I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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