her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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