when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
