You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
