It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
