If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
