I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days