Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
