I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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