I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When are your genitals available?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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