Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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