I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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