I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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