I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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