I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
