Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
