Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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