just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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