it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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