did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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