Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
