I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
