I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
True strength comes from lack of pants
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
