i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
