you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
