I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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