know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
