new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
