had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
