She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need to align my fucking chakras
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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