You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
