I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
