i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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