You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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