Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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