Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
