Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Someone signed my nipple.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
