Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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