i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
