i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
