wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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