omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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