What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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