you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hippo gnu deer
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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