I just pynch a tree in the face
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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