My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
