i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
