How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize