I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize