i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
