i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am available for nakedness
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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