You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
